Well folks, it’s that time of year again: when the air gets crisp, the geese head south, and your neighbour Dave starts complaining about how he “still hasn’t found time” to put on his snow tires. Yes, winter is coming, and the question on every Canadian motorcyclist’s mind is the same:How do I winterize my bike?

You’ve probably heard the advice. Drain the fuel, disconnect the battery, throw on a cover, and tuck her in until spring, right? WRONG. Listen up, eh! This is Canada, and if there’s one thing we know how to do, it’s laugh in the face of weather that would make most people crawl into a heated igloo and cry.

So, without further ado, here’s How to Winterize Your Motorcycle in 5 Easy Steps… but with the classic Canadian twist.

Check the Weather Report. Then Ignore It.

The weather report is a classic Canadian pastime, right up there with watching hockey and being overly polite to strangers. But you’ve ridden through “light flurries” that turned into a full-blown blizzard before—what’s a little frostbite between friends? As the forecast calls for -15°C with freezing rain, remember that the *real* weather report in Canada is just “wait five minutes.” There’s a solid chance the sun will come out, the ice will melt, and you’ll be back on the road in no time, eh?

Install Heated Gear... Or Don’t. You’re Tougher Than the Cold, Right?

Everyone *says* you should invest in some heated gear—gloves, jackets, grips—but we know you’re Canadian. You were born with an internal thermostat set to “perma-chill.” That toque your grandmother knitted and a Tim Hortons cup of *double-double* should be enough to keep you warm through the winter, right? But fine, if your fingers are about to snap off, maybe get some heated grips. Just don’t let your buddies catch you using them—they’ll revoke your Canadian citizenship faster than you can say “sorry.”

Don’t Worry About Snow—Just Ride Through It.

“Snow tires for your motorcycle?!” That’s almost as ridiculous as asking for ketchup on your poutine. As every Canadian rider knows, the secret to navigating snow is momentum. Just keep moving. You know those deep snowbanks on the side of the road? Think of them as nature’s crash pads. If you wipe out, no worries—Mother Nature’s there to cushion the fall. It’s like falling into a cloud, but colder. Plus, it builds character. You’ll be thanking yourself for all those heroic winter rides when spring finally comes and you’ve developed the reflexes of a squirrel dodging an ice-skating Zamboni.

Prepare Your Bike for Ice—By Learning to Skate

The NHL doesn’t have a monopoly on Canadian ice sports. Why should the kids with sticks and pucks have all the fun? We suggest slapping some hockey skates on the bottom of your bike. Nothing says “Canadian ingenuity” like converting your motorcycle into an ice-hogging beast ready to dominate the nearest frozen pond. Is it practical? Absolutely not. Will it make you a Canadian legend at your local Tim Hortons parking lot? You betcha.

Not interested in customizing your bike into a two-wheeled Zamboni? Fine. Then just ride carefully, avoid the icy patches, and maybe ask Gretzky to bless your tires before heading out. Trust us—he’ll understand.

Store Your Bike for Winter… In Your Garage. But Only Overnight.

Okay, okay, let’s be real for a second. Technically, you *could* winterize your bike by draining the fuel, throwing it on a trickle charger, and leaving it in hibernation until the first robin shows up in April. Or, you could just bring her inside overnight. But come morning, why would you leave that beauty all alone in the garage like a forgotten Zamboni? Fire her up, brush off a bit of snow, and hit the road again. After all, motorcycles were *meant* to be ridden, not coddled.

Plus, there’s no better feeling than showing up at work, frost in your beard, engine still rumbling, while your coworkers complain about how cold it was during their car’s remote start. You’re not just riding a motorcycle in winter—you’re riding into legendary status.

Conclusion: Winter Is No Excuse. Just Keep Riding.

Here’s the thing: while lesser mortals may put their bikes into hibernation for the winter, you, dear Canadian motorcyclist, are made of stronger stuff. Maple syrup courses through your veins. Your toque is permanently fused to your head. And you understand that a little snow isn’t going to keep you from enjoying the ride.

Sure, you could follow all the “proper” winterizing steps, tuck your bike away until the first sign of spring, and start daydreaming about your next ride. But why wait? In Canada, winter isn’t a reason to stop—it’s just another challenge to embrace, like surviving a Leafs playoff game or convincing someone that bagged milk is perfectly normal.

So, next time someone asks you if you’ve winterized your bike, just smile, nod politely, and say, “Sure, I’ve winterized it. I put on an extra layer of flannel.” Then hit the road.

Remember: There’s no such thing as bad riding weather, just bad excuses. Keep riding Canada!

— The Totally Serious, Never-Satirical Team at Joe Rocket Canada